Etiquette for the Next Girlfriend

Are you the next girlfriend? If you are, then there's a tall order from the standard your predecessor set, for better or for worse.

Before you, there was a love affair of the now-ex-girlfriend. Your boyfriend and his ex shared a history, whether long or short, good or bad, happy or sad. That's a given. You, yourself, unless this is your first time to enter into a relationship shared a history with your previous mate.

Then ties were severed, bitterly or gracefully, partly or in totality.

And now you and your boyfriend forge a new life together.

How do you deal with the past history which is part of the whole which is your boyfriend? What do you do when you see presents from the ex-girlfriend still decorated in your boyfriend's place? How do you respond when his ex-girlfriend or a member of that continues to interact with your lover?

1. RESPECT YOUR BOYFRIEND'S PAST. Just as you have your own history apart from your boyfriend, your boyfriend has that too. Don't meddle with it. Treat it according to its position: a thing/relic of the past. So with his ex's gifts (after all, you've received gifts from your exes too - it's a matter of how both of you decide what to do with these things).

2. RESPECT YOUR PREDECESSORS. Whether she be an ex-wife, former paramour or plain ex-girlfriend, show some grace in accepting his past and showing them that you are worthy to be part of his life, his PRESENT life. Should you meet his past flames, be magnanimous (even if you should find that his exes are deplorable). This will impress the others, or cause jealousy at the worst, but it will give you a feeling of goodwill not only to your boyfriend and to his exes, but most of all to yourself.

3. RESPECT YOUR BOYFRIEND'S FAMILY. This will never go out of style. Even if you find that you don't like them that much, always be polite. There's nothing like a courteous girlfriend (whether you're 16 or 65). Keep your distance should you find them disagreeable. Speak your truth quietly and clearly, to quote the Desiderata. But show respect.

4. RESPECT YOUR BOYFRIEND'S PRIVACY. In the digital era, this is the easiest rule to break. What with accessible cellphones and hackable emails. But you will know something's wrong with your relationship when you will feel the itch to check his messages behind his back or even upfront.

5. RESPECT YOURSELF. Should you find something amiss, i.e. a flirtatious message from an ex-girlfriend or someone you don't know from Adam, confront your boyfriend, but never give yourself away to the other person. Confronting the other person will put you in a compromised position: you will appear uncouth, uneducated and wretched. You may feel the latter, as jealousy is normal. But if you cave in and explode to her, you could be accused of assault (physical or verbal)and you also give up your power. Keep your self-respect at all times. If there is a person you need to face, it is your boyfriend. Let him be the one to tell her off, this will be the test of your relationship. LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP if you need to. Or work it out with your boyfriend without giving the other person the satisfaction of your jealousy.

One of the hallmarks of a longstanding relationship, aside from the mush called love, is RESPECT.

Kasambahay Bootcamp

We have to admit the benefits of living in the Philippines is the availability of domestic help within our capacity to employ and add as a member of our household. Hiring a household helper will change the family's lifestyle for better or for worse, so it would be beneficial to consider some important things.

This post will attempt to answer the question: Any tips on hiring, training and hopefully keeping a house helper?

On hiring:
1. Employment agencies - they have the advantage of trained helpers and midwives (as "yayas" for infants).
2. By recommendation - from friends, relatives, employees, co-workers.

(It would be good to ask for a barangay clearance, police clearance & valid ID; cellphone numbers of relations in the helper's hometown).

Meeting the kasambahay (the interview):
1. Things to look out for:

• a. Respectful bearing and language, eye contact.
  
• b. Hygiene (check out for body odor, bad breath)
• c. Manner of dressing (tacky, sexy? neat? respectable?)
• d. Intelligence (Street smarts and common sense)

2. Things to ask about:

• a. Name, age, address, occupation of parents, siblings, cellphone number
• b. Educational attainment
• c. Health problems (asthmatic? allergic? arthritic?)
• d. Ambition in life
• e. Basic household skills
• f. Expected salary (optional*)
• g. Relatives and friends in the city
• h. Opinions on children, housework, etc.

Give yourself a day or two until you decide whether the applicant in question suits your needs (based on the first impression and the interview). This will also test the applicant's decisiveness in having you as her employer.

Should you decide not to hire the applicant, tell her so politely.

When you and the applicant have agreed with the employment, take a week's off to personally train the helper. This will benefit you greatly as it will also be the time to test the new employee's trustworthiness and thoroughness with work. This time can be used to show the new employee the household's routine and needs. A few things first:

Before training:

• a. Inform the new employee how much her salary will be and when payday will be.
• b. Indicate the benefits of employment (include the comparison between renting a room and the free room that comes with employment, free meals and snacks).
• c. Indicate the boundaries of the benefits (what do free meals include? coffee, tea, milk? or none? Be specific with the boundaries (Is the detergent she will use for your laundry be the same she will use for hers? Who will buy her toiletries?).
• d. Inform her of her rest day and what time and day she is expected to return.
• e. You can have a trial period of one month and inform her if she decides this.
• f. Inform her that should either of party decide to terminate the employment, all her bags will be checked before she leaves.
• g. Tell her of the boundaries you feels strongly about. ("I don't want to smell my perfume on you.", "Never take things that are not yours.", "Use your own slippers, comb, towel, etc.", "Take care while washing and ironing the clothes.")

Training:
On the first day:
1. Orient the new staff on the daily routine, integrating a house tour and what you want done everyday. Make sure to give her enough lunch and rest in the middle of the day.
2. Write down her schedule (daily, weekly).

Within the week:
1. Check if she was able to follow through the schedule you gave on the first day.
2. Always put your valuables in a safe place. Tell your family to do the same. Always check pockets before putting it in the laundry.
3. If you should test the trustworthiness of a household helper, make sure you willing to risk firing her and losing the "test" item. Go back to square one.

How to keep a good helper:

1. Treat her well. There is a Kasambahay Bill Situationer which will help to protect your own and the employees interests.
2. Appreciate her good efforts through kind and sincere words and occasional tokens of gratitude.
3. Give her a raise.
4. Give her used items (clothing, etc.)
5. Feed her well (but remember your personal boundaries).
6. Give her enough rest and respect her personal space.
7. Nobody's perfect: she may be a good cook but a lousy cleaner or vice versa. If she's worth keeping (maybe because she's trustworthy), you might be willing to overlook her imperfection based on your own need.
8. Treat her the way you would want to be treated if you sought domestic employment in a king's palace (you are the queen of your home after all).
9. Be honest with her. Pay her on time and give her the rest day you agreed upon.
10. Take care of her health. (Her physical well-being is her investment. She will not be able to serve you well.)
11. Add your own.

(image from wikimedia commons)

Venus Raj! Raj! Raj! & Beauty Pageant Conondrums

The MAJOR MAJOR trend in Facebook statuses is Venus Raj's now-a-mega-hit Miss Universe 2010 answer to the brains and wits test by William Baldwin: "What is the biggest mistake that you’ve ever made in your life and what did you do to make it right?"

Facebook posts range from fellow Filipinos tearing their hair and their clothes over Ms. Raj's off the mark reply to spectators who are more sympathetic of Ms. Raj's human error.

I just watched the 46 second video of the Q&A and I have to admit that I quite cringed...

It is not without shame that I reacted that way because after all, if anyone one of us was Venus Raj, it wouldn't be easy being up there in front of the Universe, being weighed for beauty and wits.

In fact, it's an irony that i had laughed, having joined local beauty contests myself.

Last week, a friend of mine invited me to anchor the local pageant which I had joined lifetimes ago, and because I had a flu attack, I declined.

Over the week as Venus Raj's answer has been talked about in grocery aisles where acquaintances meet, or used as a humorous reference to whatnot ("I'm having a MAJOR MAJOR headache!"), I thought about how I was supposed to be part of our city's beauty contest once again.

I recoil at the thought of how women (myself in the past, included) subject ourselves to judgment over a short period of time (some, merely hours), to be placed in the annals of local history, booboo's, "wits" and all.

Although beauty contests will be here to stay, unless some MAJOR MAJOR universal paradigm shift deems it irrelevant, I do, though, advocate guidance to beauty contestants that though preparation for the big night is good, winning is not everything, and life in the limelight (win or lose) has its price. It is good to remind contenders that there are more things in life that matter than glitz and glamor, fame and glory.

I hope that Ms. Venus Raj will use this paradoxical fame to her advantage and learn how to laugh at her faux pas. Laughing at one's own chagrin can be disarming. She has lots of chances to show the world and herself that she is more than the seemingly shallow seconds-long answer she made.

My male cousin was still proud of Ms. Raj, despite her embarrassing response. And in turn, I'm proud that my cousin saw past that. Indeed, Venus Raj's beauty is a true representation of our beautiful islands, tall, strong, dark-skinned, and beautiful. And if she hasn't had any "MAJOR, MAJOR problems in her 22 years of existence," - now she does, and I'm sending her all the light and love in hopes that she can do something good about it!

Go, go, go Venus Raj!!!